Random Memory: The Choke Out

As I continue to heal from the Narcissist more and more of the memories that I have pushed away are starting to bubble up to the surface. I guess my brain and my heart are finally ready to start dealing with some of them, now that the constant flow of new trauma has finally come to an end.

Today I remembered the time that the Narcissist taught me that there are two types of choke outs.

We were arguing in our beautiful kitchen on the beautiful island we lived on. I can’t even remember the exact topic of conversation but I am about 99% sure that it was a crazy combination of him being upset about my past, being convinced that I was lying to him, that somehow he felt I wasn’t giving him my best self and that he was doing his best to make me feel worthless and unlovable. I was hysterical, I was crying, I was yelling, I felt like I was going insane. I hadn’t yet learned how to work around the gaslighting and the Narcissist’s needs and was still trying to make sense and have rational conversations with him.

I guess the Narcissist decided that the only way to calm me down was to choke me? Either that or his anger just got the best of him. He put me in a choke hold… I wish I could say it was the first time, but it wasn’t. This time, I could still breathe so I didn’t quite realize what was going on until I felt the unique and terrifying experience of having my legs and my body completely give out from underneath me. I went from standing on my own two feet to collapsing in a crumpled heap on the floor instantly. I remember feeling a slight tingling sensation in my legs right before they gave out and then next thing I knew I was on the floor.

I still don’t remember what happened after that. I am sure things got worse until I somehow placated the Narcissist enough to calm him down and enter back into the ‘blissful’ period of the after abuse love bombing. I do remember that once he calmed down enough I explained to him how scary that was for me and he very casually and unemotionally informed me that there are 2 types of choke outs: one that restricts airflow and one that restricts blood flow. He had used the later technique on me. How nice of you to teach me something new Narcissist.

Years later, when the Narcissist was no longer being physically abusive I tried to talk to him about some of the trauma he caused me with his physical abuse. He never understood the severity of it for me… I mean shoot – it was nothing compared to being in war, nothing compared to what he had faced in his lifetime. He literally told me that he thinks that the reason he never realized that what he was doing was ‘wrong’ or ‘abusive’ is because he was trained to do and had actually done so much worse in terms of physical violence and even torture when it came to interrogating terrorists.

Well aw shucks Narcissist, thank you for at least treating me better than a terrorist. I guess I should appreciate that.