Narc Files: Sleeping Arrangements

I realized last night that the Narcissist even controlled which side of the bed I slept on and how I slept.

You see the Narcissist had this crazy need to always sleep on the side of the bed that was furthest away from the door. This meant that regardless of which side of the bed I would have preferred to sleep on… I had to sleep on whichever side was closest to the door. This also meant that every time we moved houses, my side of the bed changed because our bedroom setups were never the same. This also meant that if theoretically, some burglar was to break into our home he would attack me first, giving The Narcissist time to respond to the situation.

You read that one right… I was burglar bait… and I still had to sleep on whatever side he determined regardless of if I liked it or not!

The Narcissist also used to frequently get upset with me for being “distant” in my sleep. That means that even in my subconscious sleeping moments I should have put all of my own comfort aside and be putting the Narcissist’s needs first. So basically I developed a habit of waking up multiple times per night and making sure that I was cuddling with the Narcissist somehow so that if by chance he were to wake up, he would know that I wasn’t being “distant.” The frustrating thing is that The Narcissist slept deep… like he sleeps through 15 alarm clock sounds going off… he once slept through the smoke alarm…. he once legitimately slept through a small earthquake. So even if I spent all night spooning his face off, he would wake up and tell me he felt “off” and “sensitive” because I was so distant from him all night. This behavior from him would require me to be extra lovey and affection all day to help him get out of the funk that he was in that was obviously all my fault.

The lesson of this story is that you can literally NEVER win with a Narcissist.

I am finally enjoying having my entire bed to myself. I’m sleeping on the side of the bed that feels right to me. I’ve stopped lining up throw pillows in the shape of a body and I am sprawled out nightly. It’s the little things in life that matter… and you probably don’t even realize that the Narcissist has taken them away from you.

11 thoughts on “Narc Files: Sleeping Arrangements

  1. OMG! My ex narc controlled which did of the bed I slept on, too! He always has to be the closest to the BATHROOM door.
    I always went to be first because he would sit in the bathroom, reading and smoking for literally hours. One night I was still awake but pretended to be asleep and I heard him mumble “gee…can you get any further away?”
    We had a king sized bed and I slept all the way over to the edge on my side. LOL
    But like you…now I can sleep wherever the fuck I want to! 🙂

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  2. I feel like we’re the same person! It’s like you heard everything I was thinking and found the way to say it. Amazing. So interesting to know that I’m not the only one!

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  3. Hi this so got me thinking “me too”! My goodness it all came flooding back…as soon as I got into bed he was on me spooning me and grabbing my breast. I had no time to snuggle in my bed and stretch, so I’d push him off in the end, physically push him back because he wouldn’t move. Then he’d be all rejected and I felt frigid. Why didn’t I want sex? There must be something wrong with me. But now I know, all day dealing with him smothering me, grabbing at me, not much of a turn on 😝

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    1. Happy With Me, you used the word smothering and that sums up my experience perfectly. I have never in my life craved alone time as much as I did while I was with the Narcissist because I literally was smothered all the time. I would ‘work late’ all the time so I had some quiet time to myself at the end of the day. I would offer to go food shopping and aimlessly wander the aisles. I would take extra long showers, go to bed early so I could have the bed to myself, etc. etc. I have never felt so suffocated before and it really changed who I was in the marriage as a result!

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  4. My ex would decide that while I was cooking us dinner or doing the housework or anything where I was moving around, trying to get stuff done, was the time to show me affection, was the time to physically restrain me with hugs as I was moving from sink to stove or room to room with a vacuum. It drove me nuts but that was just me being ‘cold’. It didn’t matter how many times I tried to gently and then not-so-gently (and back to gently again) explain that it was difficult for me to really give my full attention and appreciation to him at times like this because I just wanted to be done with the chore… He still did it. Eventually, I decided to be grateful he was showing me affection, because it wasn’t really happening any other time (in the last few years). I cannot imagine my current girlfriend doing this to me at all. I do stuff and she either helps or she chats to me or, you know, does her own thing.

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  5. I just read this and mine had to always be in the side nearest the door, even when before we were married he visited me I was displaced from my favourite side so he was happy. He said it was so that he could react if someone came in the room but really I now see it was just a form of control. The same in a restaurant – he couldn’t have his back to the room because then he couldn’t see the best way out if an escape needed to be made. As for going to sleep he had a certain thing he liked which I cannot repeat in public but that always niggled at the back of my mind. Just reading this post has rung so many bells

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    1. Belinda, mine did the restaurant thing too. I can’t tell you how many times poor hostesses had to walk us around a restaurant going “is this one okay?!” I was always embarrassed… and always forced to sleep on a side of the bed that I didn’t like.


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