I’ve been doing a great deal of reflecting over the past weeks since receiving the anonymous letter about The Narcissist in the mail.
At first, that letter launched me into action. I wanted to bring down The Narcissist, I wanted to help that young girl, and I wanted to help any future girls who could be hurt by him. Receiving the letter triggered an immense amount of guilt which was not mine to bear and that guilt combined with a need to take action launched me back into writing. I immediately posted here on the blog after almost a full year, and I also started officially writing “The Book.”
“The Book” is an idea that I started toying with in the early days of my recovery from The Narcissist… it’s an idea that was always there in the background scratching at me. I felt like receiving that letter was a sign from the universe that I needed to take action and do it… put my story out there in the world.
For the past three weeks, I’ve woken up every day at 5:30 am and spent an hour writing “The Book”. At first, I thought that this was going to be the last step in my healing process, the final thing I had to do to really feel like I had closed the door on that chapter of my life. However, my experience over the last few weeks has been that remembering everything that I’m writing in “The Book” is causing me to relive way too much of the past. I’ve been crying ALOT, remembering details of events that I had long forgotten and I even found myself needing to go back to my therapist to talk through some of the emotions again. Writing “The Book” left me feeling like crap.
I’ve realized through this process that the story of The Narcissist is a crazy story to tell, and one that I imagine, if done right, could absolutely be a best-seller. But, more importantly, I’ve realized that if I pursue this path of writing “The Book” I’m continuing to make this story My Story, and this is not the story I want to be known for. I don’t want more weeks and months of reverting to the broken and weak place I lived in for 8 years, and I don’t want a life where I am potentially publicizing, speaking about, and sharing these stories as part of my everyday. I’ve worked too damn hard to create a blissfully happy life without The Narcissist to make my life revolve around his story again.
This realization also marks an official end to DivorcingANarcissistBlog. I know I’ve been absent now for the past year, but today I am officially writing my final post. It’s been just about 3 years of blogging about my journey, and it is so crazy to look back on the early posts and see how broken, hurt, angry, and still somewhat brainwashed I was. It’s amazing to see how far I came through this process, and this blog was such a huge and important healing step for me. Being able to openly tell these stories in a judgement free environment and knowing that there were others who understood what I had been through was huge for me.
I will continue to make sure that these stories are available online as I imagine that they will still be helpful to someone out there Googling “I do everything wrong in my marriage” and “Am I crazy?” For those of you finding this blog after my final post, I hope that my story helps you find the strength that you need to change your own.
Out of the 75,000 words I have collected to-date in “The Book”, I’d like to leave you with my dedication section – because in my eyes, these are the most important words of them all:
First and foremost, to Mom, Dad and Stacey: You, more than anyone else have lived this story with me. You never gave up on me, even when I did everything humanly possible to push you away, and you were there with open arms the minute I came home. You have shown me the true definition of unconditional love, and I am so very appreciative that I have you in my life.
To Cathy & Jim: I am beyond appreciative of the help you provided me in Japan when I felt like I had no one else to turn to. You did everything you could to help remove me from that situation, and I am so grateful that you were there when I needed someone most. I’m sorry that I did not listen to your advice back then, it would have saved me from years of further pain.
To Leanne: You were the very first person to say “You need to write a book about this, no one is going to believe this shit!” You were the beacon of light guiding me out of the fog. Thank you for your guidance, your understanding, and the hours on hours of listening to these stories and helping me process what I have lived through.
To the readers of DivorcingANarcissistBlog: thank you for all of the support. Your comments, messages, and page views kept me going through my roughest times. Knowing that there was an entire community of people out there who understood this story on the deepest level let me know that I was never truly alone.
To P&J and S&W: Railroad Road was the most magical healing place I could have ever landed after living this story. You welcomed me into your family and helped me remember the things that I hold most dear in my heart. I will forever cherish the two years that I spent loving, laughing, healing and growing with you. Your family brought me back to myself and that is something I can never repay you for.
To my Gemstones: you are consistently the most positive influences in my life. Thank you for being the most GAFBB I have ever known. You are my sounding board, my biggest cheerleaders, the ones who continually challenge me to pursue my dreams, and I am so glad that I get to call you my friends.
To CJ : Thank you for reminding me that love should be fun and easy and safe. Loving you and being loved by you has healed the very last of the wounds left from this journey. Somehow, I’d live through it all again, as long as it means landing here with you.