Narc Files: Running after his moving vehicle

The Narcissist liked to leave me places when he was angry. He did it a lot just by walking away from me in a mall or a grocery  store… or if we were out running he would sprint off so fast there was no way I could catch up. I can’t even tell you how many time he drove off in our vehicle and left me crying in a parking lot or on the side of the road somewhere. He typically did it in middle-of-no-where places so that no one he knew could see me.

Every time he did this it immediately put me in the extremely stressful situation of navigating what exactly to do without infuriating him even further. You see it may seem like I had some choices in this scenario, but when you are dealing with a Narcissist nothing is as it seems.

So you are stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere because your Narcissist just got angry and drove off without you… do you….

  • Keep standing exactly where he left you: This may seem like a rational idea, this way whenever he calms down and decides to come back for you he will know exactly where to find you. It shows that you cared enough to wait for him, that you didn’t get angry and find some other solution… safe bet, right? WRONG The Narcissist, whenever he comes back will accuse you of not even caring enough to chase after him and try to find where he drove off to. He will call you lazy and tell you that you don’t care enough about your marriage and that you just let him do all of the work. He will claim that this is proof that he loves you far more than you actually love him.
  • Try to chase after his vehicle: This one really shows commitment… I mean you are wearing some type of skimpy sun dress and platform flip-flops or heels so running down a coral road at full speed really screams “please don’t leave me, I love you, I’m sorry!” The Narcissist should appreciate this desperate show of affection, right? WRONG. The Narcissist will accuse you of being dramatic and making a scene where someone could have seen you and he would have been so embarrassed. He will also accuse you of not caring about the nice things he buys for you (i.e. those flip flops) which he will now claim are destroyed and can never be worn again. He will also accuse you of being ‘sweaty and disheveled’ and unfit for bringing out in public now which will result in you returning to your torture chamber of an apartment and engaging in a 16 hour discussion with him about everything you’ve done wrong.
  • Say “F*ck This” and walk to someplace nearby: Oh you will want to do this so badly… and there may be a beach, a coffee shop, a restaurant, a bench a something nearby that is just calling your name. You can calm down, you can grab a bottle of water from a vending machine, you can disengage, you can play bejeweled on your phone till your eyeballs fall out… all of this sounds so much better than anything else. WRONG. The Narcissist will immediately accuse you of being the selfish nasty beast that you obviously are. He will claim that you only care about yourself and his feelings mean nothing to you. He will tell you that you are obviously not committed to this marriage and that he isn’t sure why he even married someone so flaky to begin with. He will tell you that if you wanted a life where you made your own decisions and did things alone then you should have never agreed to share your life with him. He will probably be the most furious with this option.
  • Call for help: This one is also pretty darn tempting except there is one big problem here. Everyone you know in this place far away from your home knew The Narcissist first. These are his people, his friends and he will never forgive you for pulling even a single one of them into your marital troubles. You will stand there crying and fantasizing about what it might be like to get scooped up and saved by one of them… for any of the people who looked at him like he walked on water to see what he was doing now… but you can’t make that move… it’s a no-going-back move and you know it.

So you stand there paralyzed, frantic, having an anxiety attack because you are well aware that not a single option that you have will result in something good. You also know that the “right” answer to this puzzle will change based on his mood, the day, the cycle of the moon, when he last ate, etc. If it worked once, it is not guaranteed to work again… you are literally stuck in a situation where you can never win and no matter what you do, you will get in trouble for it… but doing nothing will result in just as bad of an outcome.

And then you chase his freaking vehicle down the road. In your platform flip flops, in the hot humid weather, carrying your purse, and ugly crying. He slows down when he sees you enough so that you can get your hand on the passenger door handle… and then he speeds up and leaves you in the dust. He does this several times until you are exhausted and you’ve broken one flip flop and you’ve skinned your knee on the hard coral road. At this point you reach the “F*ck it” stage and you gather up your stuff, take off both your shoes and start walking down a side road that you know heads back to your home. You hear his tires screech as he speeds off down the main road at rapid speed. You have 15 minutes or so of pure silence where your brain is telling you… “This is enough” “This is the last time” “What the hell are you doing.” Then his vehicle pulls up next to you. He rolls down the passenger window and tells you to get in the car now. You hesitantly reach for the door handle expecting him to drive off quickly, but he doesn’t this time, so you obey.

You sit in silence for the rest of the ride home. You know this isn’t over but you have no energy and no will power to fight. You know all of your plans for the evening are now thrown out the window. You get back to the apartment and discuss the situation for hours and hours…. you don’t eat, you don’t drink, you don’t sleep. Ultimately this conversation results in you apologizing profusely for everything that you did wrong to make him leave you there to begin with… for all the ways you didn’t make it better and fix the problem. At some point you pass out from exhaustion, sitting up on the couch, still in your clothes from earlier that day. You wake up a few hours later and try again to have a day that doesn’t end in this same type of cycle.

35 thoughts on “Narc Files: Running after his moving vehicle

  1. Oh my God. Wow. I forgot this part about my ex and how humiliating it used to be. He never drove off without me thankfully, but whenever he was in this state and we were walking somewhere, he would leave me behind and start walking really fast ahead of me with that look of pure anger/hatred on his face. He was extremely tall so even his slow strides usually were pretty hard to keep up with but when he walked fast, I couldn’t catch up unless I sprinted. It would happen in public places like malls and restaurants and hospitals and I never knew what the hell to do. If I sprinted to catch up to him, I would look like a psycho. So I would just walk at my pace completely shell shocked and petrified of what was to come. There was NEVER a right answer of what I should or should not do and there were ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS 16 hour discussions of no sleep/food/water that ensued with him talking and talking and talking about everrrryyyyyyyything under the sun that I had done wrong and me just profusely apologizing. God. It truly was like being in a combative situation at all times. You never knew when you were going to be called into war and once you were, you never knew how to win. Like you said, what works one day may not work the next. It was exhausting, humiliating and so damn confusing.

    Thank you again for writing. Each post of yours validates some experience that I also had and reading it be someone else’s story makes me realize how completely insane it all is and it makes me so grateful that it’s in the past. However scary the future might be, it has GOT to be better than that hell on Earth.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Jane Doe, isn’t it absolutely crazy that at some point we all thought that losing our crazy partner was the worst thing that could happen to us? I mean chasing a car down a road or chasing an angry man through a mall thinking “i love you, don’t leave me.” My hell on earth with The Narcissist has certainly made me realize that I am capable of handling far more than I realized, and it brings me great joy to know that I will never again be in another situation where someone “who loves me” puts me in those types of situations! Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing your examples as well! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I am so sorry that happened to you. It didn’t happen to me, but there were two parts of your blog entry that hit very close to home, as follows, “You also know that the “right” answer to this puzzle will change based on his mood, the day, the cycle of the moon, when he last ate, etc.” and “Ultimately this conversation results in you apologizing profusely for everything that you did wrong.” Gosh! I’ve been there and done that more times than what I want to remember. In my particular case, he would leave the room, furious, storm out, living me there alone, knowing how much I hated silence. Maybe I did have him speeding up the road like in your case, but it was by him just going from one room to the other and giving me the silence treatment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nomorenarchole, this post is certainly an extreme example of the type of behaviors Narcs put us through but for me the mental anguish of it all is the same. Whether it was navigating a conversation with him or chasing his car down the street – the results were always the same! ❤

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      1. Indeed! The mental and spiritual anguish. It kills you bit by bit. My soul has been crashed so many times. And there was no pattern to it. I mean, for example, when you are trying to discipline a child, the punishment should be appropriate to the transgression. With them, everything is like a crime for which you deserve the death penalty. It doesn’t matter the transgression and whether it was in fact a transgression or not.

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  3. Ladies, I can relate so badly to the endless hours of discussions to not avail. The walls were so much better listeners than my husband. And the apologizing! I would do that even before bringing things up. I also suffered from anxiety attacks just by thinking about having to bring something up.

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  4. I can relate to the part of making him angry for practically no reason, his making it all my fault, and me apologizing later to keep the peace. The only part that I guess I “escaped” was the long, drawn out discussion about the ugly event.
    He was the most stoic, tight lipped, unempathetic person I have ever dealt with, like a spoiled four year old holding his breath, and I did it for 25 years. Sometimes I would hold my ground and not apologize, going to bed angry and hurt. But in the end, the next day, I would apologize just to get over the hump and back to “normal life” as if that was any better!
    Once he was practically spitting angry with me because I came out of the wrong train station doors, on the other side of the building, for a night out with his coworkers. We lived in the suburbs and I hardly went into the city by train – he never really invited me usually – so I got turned around and went out to the wrong street to be picked up. He was screaming at me on the phone while “directing” me where to go. Shouting out street names as if I was a walking GPS!
    He made me cry, made me feel like a bad, stupid child and ignored me for most of the night until he was drunk enough to tolerate me. Then, of course, he expected sex at the end of the night, regardless of the earlier episode, because he was drunk and that’s what he wanted.
    Good Lord, what was I thinking??

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  5. This really made me sad for you. I’m so glad you are honouring yourself now.

    One day I’d like it if you wrote about revenge. Do you ever think about it, and if so, how do you deal with it? Some days are happy and ‘oh thank God, I’m free’, and others are ‘that prick needs to pay’ – the anger is really there but it doesn’t have closure. Of course we know, the narcissist never pays. Not in the way we’d like them to pay, anyway.

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      1. My opinion changes weekly! Abraham Hicks says if revenge makes you feel better, do it! But I don’t think she had a narc in mind. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Which really is lose/lose. So I’ve decided that I will get my revenge and reflect back to him what he doesn’t want to see – it’s the little things. After all, I have the power to expose him – it’s not something I want to do – but I will if I’m pushed. Now it’s HIS choice. I contact him (when I want – he can’t reply because he knows I’ll record his responses) to remind him of who he really is (intermittently). Perhaps I’ll mess with his head by putting something nice in there and sucking him back into his ego vortex (unpredictability) – I mean, that’s what they did to us, right? I do this without any emotion, without investment and without hope of anything at all but to re-empower myself and not allow this person to devalue me – I choose what I do – and I merely laugh at him. If he can purposely attempt to ‘get power’ by ‘the silent treatment’ and the ‘discard’, I will ‘get power’ with reflecting back to him the ugly truth. Sure, he’ll use his Disorder to protect himself, but I’m just going to chip away. And he just as to suffer it because I hold too much and apparently he wants to be a politician one day. He’s the deluded type that thinks people still want him.

        I’m living my life and focusing on myself. I’m feeling good about life – this is some thing I need to do because pretending he doesn’t exist for two years when I’ve had his son (who he has never met) is not working. Of course the narc still exists, and in time I may only pity him and slowly float away. And you know what then? He’ll wonder where I went (it is attention after all) and THAT will be my power.

        I just won’t lie down and take this prick’s abuse. Neither will I turn into him, but I won’t be silent treated into enabling him. He’s in my game now.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. This is so heartbreaking to read, I had similar situations with my narc and I remember at times the same thought process of “why am I putting up with this” but then he’d always win me round in way or another. The unpredictability of how they react to any given situation is so exhausting as well. Thanks for sharing as always, your blogs give me a hope that things do get better with time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so sorry YOU had to go through that – and I so hope you know that you’re worth something.

      If you haven’t, watch John Bradshaw’s Homecoming on YouTube (series of 8 shows) and do his workbook. Blessings to you. 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m in this situation now, only I can’t leave because a family member of his has died and I need to be the caring doting wife in front of everyone. Only when it’s just the 2 of us at home it’s unbearable and I can’t do anything right (even less so than before his tragedy)! He says he hates me because I’m not feeling the same level of pain as him?!? Wtf? There’s no reasoning with these people, they are mentally unstable, certifiable for sure!
    I’m so happy you’re truly free now and some day I will be too…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Who cares what anyone thinks. Why don’t you fake a breakdown and take a break? Then separate and then divorce. There’s always a way to play their game. This person doesn’t have any level of pain.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Easier said than done! I’ve tried previously on separate occasions, but he then proceeds to be the ultimate lovesick can’t live without me type, calling my parents and family members at every opportunity, telling them he will change and make me happy and how sorry he is. Every one falls for it and convince me to go back!!! I know there’s still the old me in here somewhere with enough fight left for a longer game plan. Gonna get my ducks in a row before I can be financially independent enough to leave. One day….

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Zara, I came up with many reasons not to leave over my time with the Narc. If I can offer any advice it’s that he won’t appreciate any of what you are doing, it won’t get better, and it will still be just as difficult to leave when the time ‘is right.’ At some point you have to put yourself first and the Narc second. I hope that you find your path out and send you strength!! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Thank you! Your posts, although batshit crazy at times, are sadly relatable. But they give me strength that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and people do break free! You were/are strong! 💪❤

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