Missing The Narcissist

I really wish I didn’t miss the Narcissist anymore…. but I do.

It usually hits when I am laying in bed trying to fall asleep at night, or when I wake up in the middle of the night and have those first few seconds of confusion and reach to his side of the bed where I still put the pillows so it feels like I am not alone.

Last night I woke at 3:00 am with the smell of his cologne so intense in my nose I thought he was there.

“In the darkest hours under the
light of the stars,
cycles of the moon trace my spine
back to you in my dreams. And
each night I plead to move on.
The angels laugh at my expense.”

I found this poem online and it just speaks to me so deeply. It is a very difficult thing to be in love with someone who can never love you the ways you deserve. It is a very weird thing to spend 8 years of your life doing absolutely everything with a person and then slowly disentangle your life from theirs thread by thread. It is hard to describe the sensation of going from lovers to strangers.

It’s a grieving process, its a learning process, its a healing process… and it’s been humbling.

I’ve been filling the void with the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, a loving family who has welcomed me back into their arms, and some amazing new friends that have brought so much laughter and so many new experiences. I’ve been writing it all out as it comes to me… the highs and the lows of recovering from this addiction.

It gets a little easier every day, and I know that like any other wound this one too will heal. ❤



8 thoughts on “Missing The Narcissist

  1. You absolutely will heal. I am amazed at how far I’ve come…from pooling on the floor in complete and utter grief and pain, to being able to withstand the frequent court attacks five years post-divorce. Man, I am stronger but not without pain. The grief is overwhelming but so important…your heart loved…that is worth all the effort of healing.
    I love the poem.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. {{{HUGS! Lots & Lots of HUGS!}}} to you, Laura……
    Hang tough and keep reading over at Chumplady…..
    It REALLY does get better!
    and better and better and better and better…………

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s completely understandable. You loved him. You shared a life with him.

    Years ago I worked with troubled kids. Most of them had been abused one way or another but they were there because they were getting into trouble. During a training session I commented that I wished I could take those kids home with me so they didn’t have to deal with that abuse anymore. The trainer pointed out that the kids loved their parents despite what had been done to them.

    It’s hard to understand if you’ve never experienced anything like that. As you said, you loved a person who could never love you the way you deserved. It takes time to get over him. You’ll get through this, though; it sounds like you’re doing a fabulous job of living your life without him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m glad l saw this post. I was missing him today and I felt guilty for it. But now I see its normal. 17 years of being in love with someone is a very long time. I don’t like him, I’m not sure if I still love him but time to time I will miss him. Its nice to be understood


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